When all you had to do was pass over a note that said:
Do you like me? Please tick:
Today is going to be an intense day. I can’t bring myself to sleep any longer. The rain is pouring outside and my stomach is churning like a mofo. I feel partially sick and crazily anxious. I want it to be perfect. It’s 9am and I am already a tearful mess. Really hoping to be able to pull it together because this whole experience has meant so much to me. Sometimes I wish i didn’t feel so much. I don’t want to be a robot or anything, but it is really difficult when everything has such a significant impact. I don’t want to be crying all day, so I’m going to try and get it all out now.
This group has been everything over the past four years. It’s been my lifeline, my support system, my joy, my expression, my passion, my constant. We don’t just make music together, we live and breathe it together. I know I will have these friends and bonds for life but I can’t believe that getting up on stage all together and feeling the love from everyone ends after tonight. The journey has been so beautiful and I hate goodbyes so much. So many things are changing in my life, as has been happening for a long time now, but this is like the final nail in the coffin of my youth. I know this sounds hella dramatic, but it’s so sad to give it up.
We need to move onwards and upwards. We need to keep pressing forward. We have memories to lift us up when we’re down, but we can’t cling to them forever. I have so much love in my heart for these people and am eternally grateful for what they have all given me. I am not the same person I came into the group being. I’ve grown, my voice has changed, my outlook on so many things has evolved (for the better) and a seed has been planted. Tonight will be the ultimate expression of that.
I have run into 4 people consecutively who told me how much they loved my performance Thursday night. I know my friends said it was great, but it really makes all the difference when complete strangers tell you you’re amazing. Apparently they went straight home and downloaded The Wild Youth EP afterwards. Yayyyy glad I can help promote Daughter even with a shitty performance. How that happened, I will never know but it makes me feel a whole lot better.
I have an exam in 6 hours. I don’t feel very prepared for it. That little tidbit doesn’t really have the power to significantly alter my mood though. There’s more. Last night I performed probably one of my favourite songs ever at a promo ish concert for Effusion’s real winter show next Sunday. I did “Youth” by Daughter. I rehearsed it probably a million times. I’ve had it down since Christmas. I love that song and I can deliver it. I didn’t though. It was a disaster. Despite my preparation (fixing the strap to the perfect tension, trying to imagine no one else in the room, really focusing on the song) I still fucked up. My fingers froze and just couldn’t do the picking pattern. James was up there supporting me, being the only reason I could even sing the song. We were so out of sync and that was largely because I couldn’t keep tempo. This is only the millionth (realistically, 4th) time this has happened on stage. Obviously everyone was super supportive being all like ‘awww it sounded beautiful! your voice is incredible’ but that’s not the point. It wasn’t just about my voice. It was supposed to be the whole package. The point is, I had something to put out there, to prove, and I fell flat on my face. I am so much better than that but it doesn’t really ever show. After a year and a half of serious practice, I am still a shitty ass guitar-player.
And so what of all of this? I complain about not wanting to study and not wanting to put all of my effort into school because it’s not where I truly want to be. I just want to be up on stage doing my thing. But what thing? Clearly I can’t even handle that. I am just feeling like a massive fraud. I’m not going anywhere academically and I’m nowhere near as good a performer as I need to be. What exactly am I doing then?