I love you
because you let me hang up first.
Right now. It’s that weird thing where I keep running into people who are doing what I wish I were doing. Not necessarily careerwise even. I just wish I were living day by day with the person that matters the most to me. I wish that could all be right now. Especially at Easter which is the most important time for members of the Christian faith. I want a family to really share that with and a feeling that i actually am a part of something important.
This year is unlike any other because for the first time I have the power to make my own decisions. Although it is true that I have always had this ability, the difference lies in the fact that I have never had the financial freedom to exercise it. Tomorrow, I am moving out on my own and really trying to achieve something. I am terrified and confused, but for once, I literally have noone backing me. I have the skin on my back and the soul of my being. That’s about it. No more, no less.
I pray every night. I used to pray for freedom and love. Now I pray for much more than that. I pray for favour and success. I pray for consideration for others. I pray for the one I love and the enrichment of the both of us. I pray for the future. I pray to be able to let go of the demons of the past. I pray for a renewed perspective on life; one that is more optimistic than anything else. Mostly I pray that at the end of it all, I can truly believe it was worth it and know it to be true.
It’s not that i don’t realise it’s completely irrational. It’s also not that I am genuinely upset by the things you do; I understand them cognitively. However lame the excuse, it is simply because I feel as if I can’t get enough of you and I never want to. It’s not your fault and although I should do a better job of being patient, it has never been one of my strong suits. I am trying..but I know I have to try harder. To love is to be selfless.
“It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” - 1 Corinthians 13:7-8.
To function. I genuinely just want you around all time. I want you just so I can look at you. Incredibly shallow, but you are beautiful. Thank God you’re here soon. I’ve no idea what else i’d do.
I am not interested in you anymore. You should just stop texting me. Sometimes i genuinely wonder what i saw in you and then i realise that i seriously buy into stereotypes and thought you were super British and awesome and funny and sarcastically intelligent. Oxford may offer a lot but you are still a complete douche. You are just waiting to be able to say you were right about my relationship prospects so you can jump in and be the shoulder to cry on. Even if it fails, that won’t happen. So goodluck.
I’ve met someone amazing. And I have no choice but to leave him behind.
This is regarding a guy who has since proved himself ineffectual. However at the time, I thought making a list (à la Ross from Friends when choosing between Rachel and Julie) would simplify matters. I’m only posting the list I wrote about the individual who was not chosen.
I’m sorry, but how do some of those not stand out as immediate red flags to any sane person? No brainer. Clearly a lot has changed in a year, but it is still hard to believe I was that pathetic and put myself through all that unnecessary grief.