This year is unlike any other because for the first time I have the power to make my own decisions. Although it is true that I have always had this ability, the difference lies in the fact that I have never had the financial freedom to exercise it. Tomorrow, I am moving out on my own and really trying to achieve something. I am terrified and confused, but for once, I literally have noone backing me. I have the skin on my back and the soul of my being. That’s about it. No more, no less.
I pray every night. I used to pray for freedom and love. Now I pray for much more than that. I pray for favour and success. I pray for consideration for others. I pray for the one I love and the enrichment of the both of us. I pray for the future. I pray to be able to let go of the demons of the past. I pray for a renewed perspective on life; one that is more optimistic than anything else. Mostly I pray that at the end of it all, I can truly believe it was worth it and know it to be true.
To function. I genuinely just want you around all time. I want you just so I can look at you. Incredibly shallow, but you are beautiful. Thank God you’re here soon. I’ve no idea what else i’d do.
I am not interested in you anymore. You should just stop texting me. Sometimes i genuinely wonder what i saw in you and then i realise that i seriously buy into stereotypes and thought you were super British and awesome and funny and sarcastically intelligent. Oxford may offer a lot but you are still a complete douche. You are just waiting to be able to say you were right about my relationship prospects so you can jump in and be the shoulder to cry on. Even if it fails, that won’t happen. So goodluck.
This is regarding a guy who has since proved himself ineffectual. However at the time, I thought making a list (à la Ross from Friends when choosing between Rachel and Julie) would simplify matters. I’m only posting the list I wrote about the individual who was not chosen.
I’m sorry, but how do some of those not stand out as immediate red flags to any sane person? No brainer. Clearly a lot has changed in a year, but it is still hard to believe I was that pathetic and put myself through all that unnecessary grief.
When all you had to do was pass over a note that said:
Do you like me? Please tick:
There is this strange phenomenon I’ve experienced as of late where I find myself giving my phone number to guys who ask for it even though I am fully aware that I will avoid them like the plague when the texting/calling ensues. This is not a novel circumstance as many a girl have experienced it. I can’t give out the rejection hotline though. That is too cold..but the alternative is actually receiving a message, or worse still, a phone call from one of these individuals. First, let me preface this by saying I don’t talk on the phone unless I’m drunk or having a life crisis. It’s just the truth. Please don’t call me. I get horribly anxious whenever my phone rings as it is. It’d just be adding insult to injury if you were a person I was cajoled into giving my number to. I just can’t say no when asked. Now here I am thinking of ways to avoid texting back because responding means I have to postpone this meeting. However, doing that makes it sound like I intend on us chilling at some point, which is sooo not the case.
Obviously i do this because being harassed by someone who wants to see me is better than having no one chase after me at all. The problem is, that validation lasts about 4 seconds and is then quickly replaced by dread. Dreading having to turn down another potential suitor. Story of my life.